Are we what we think we are? Do we make decisions based on the love we feel we deserve? In reality these are little lies we define ourselves with. Our true knowledge still buried inside may also determine the path we take, does that also mean we took the wrong turn leading us in a destructive path? Or are where we are supposed to be?
Our past serves to become who we are meant to be. It is the experience that teaches us compassion, gratitude and love. And love is the power behind all creation. We are spiritual beings living inside a mortal body. Reconnecting with our true Source illuminates truth that we are perfect while deflected by the darkness that is part of our mortal existence.
I believe the only way to reconnect is to use our past experiences that helped shape our identity our (false) or (true) selves.
You have the power to discern what is right or wrong, and the privilege to receive personal revelation, which is also known as our intuition. No one else can decide that for us. Age may come with more wisdom but we can bloom where we are planted. Regardless of our complexities we all face if we look through the lenses of Love we are also opening ourselves up to more Light. Light removes darkness. Our minds open to a new perspective and a closer connection to our true Source. Knowing this is who we are changes our feelings and heals the wounds of our past.
Enlightened “beings” live in peace knowing that everything that is right now is okay. They don’t live in the past or worry about the future. They believe that the power is in them to experience any thing they desire. They believe that passion drives us to become more than we are. Never give up on hope. Never let the light burn down to smoldering embers bringing us only dark thoughts and unhappiness with our lot in life. Learn how to take care of your self. Strong boundaries are important. Hope is vital but nothing is as important as living in the moment. Feeling the peace and comfort that surrounds you and enfolds you with the arms of love.
This is all part of becoming more of who you are.
How can the joy of our Source of Life, our spiritual creator be our strength? Living in the moment completely aware of your surroundings, the scents, nature around you and feel a living thread of connection to everything you see living. Joy is the song of the soul, it is the rejoicing of gratitude and is of the highest vibration.
We have our challenges, disappointments and anxiety but learning to trust in God/Universe to answer your prayers. Finding your purpose begins with listening to your heart, so your heart must be free to brighten our outlook, giving us wings.
Joy is a source of strength of our lives. Everything in our lives when we live in the presence of joy, full of joy, abundant joy and joy overflowing becomes a beautiful experience,
Live out your faith with joy! Live your life with joy and fill your heart with the sound of music.
In my teens, my favorite flower was the Lilac. Not only for it’s splendor and captivating aroma, but as I am learning, the Lilac also has a strong message when seen through the ascension process. Now I understand why my soul was so drawn to this flowering bush.
The Lilac refers to the DIVINE FLAME, or is nature’s way of reminding us to step into this flame that allows all within us not of God/Source to burn away.
Spiritual healing is the portal to enlightenment but it is also channeled through painful experiences we are reluctant or unable to process.
Through the passage of childhood and all that we carry within us, wounds often remain. These wounds create the sense of separation from God, which is within us, but untapped.
Do you remember feeling angry with God, or disbelieving in God, fearing God, or feeling shame in the face of God?
So many of us are conditioned to misperceive the concept of God/Life Source/Higher Power (you may want to add your own belief of creation) but the truth is…there are so many misguided teachings. Teachings such as a controlling, judging, punishing figure outside of ourselves and separate from our Soul/Higher Self.
Without doubt, knowing of the pain I would experience, my soul drew me towards a spiritual healing path. Although, religiously preconditioned thoughts reflected in the shame I felt, it is the power of God’s Love that has relieved me.
What we fear most, we must walk towards it, into, and through it. We must embrace all that we are and fill in the wounds with LOVE.
How does it feel to live without hope, or without believing in your dreams? Sometimes it is difficult to walk through darkness, a time of great difficulty and pain. Sometimes, hope dissipates, it vanishes after facing loss and disappointment, or grief and unexpected hurt.
I’m reigniting a tiny spark still breathing, a distant light that has not faded, as I move forward in spite of the many challenges I’ve faced over the past several years. It started with a feeling of change that spiraled into a dark space, as if I walked down a stairway leading into a tunnel. The entrance closed, the stairway lifted and there was no returning to a life I once knew.
But this dark, foreboding tunnel was not without light…
The ringing in the left side of my head and the pressure I still feel reminds me of the fear when a near fatal brain tumor landed me in the ICU. Ten months prior, I was struggling to recover from the death of a loved one. My grief was so tangible, I felt as though my soul no longer lived within me. My anguish was so deep, I felt the wish of death. And at that moment, with the sudden onset of physical, life threatening symptoms, I realized how close I had come to dying. At that moment fear of going through surgery to remove a large tumor was real…many thoughts raced through my mind. What IF my death wish came true? What IF the will to live wasn’t strong enough to keep me here?
I remember the fear that was also in the faces of my children. The quick actions of my daughter was life saving, but spiritually and mentally was I strong enough to undergo six hours of brain surgery and wake up to see them by my side?
The years preceding the brain tumor had been hard to work through. And the effects of the surgery were also life changing. I faced a long and difficult year of recovery. Then within a short period of time, I had to undergo breast surgery.
It wasn’t long before I realized how quickly my health was deteriorating. And along with this hope no longer beat within the walls of my chest. Unanswered questions lingered and my dreams had finally crumbled.
It seemed as though the storms were only growing darker, and once again without warning one morning I woke unable to stand on my feet.
Just a few months before this happened the revisions of my first book had been published, which gave me a tiny glimpse into a world I longed to renew. But once again, I was rushed to the hospital. This time it was to repair a broken hip.
After coming out of surgery tears flowed. I wept. I felt defeated, defenseless and unprepared. This time not only was my body broken, I was completely broken open to heartache never felt before.
I remember holding my hands to my heart begging, Mother Mary pray for me. Physically, emotionally and spiritually, I was depleted. I couldn’t take one more recovery or the pain seeping deeper and deeper into my heart and soul.
I remember feeling as though I would never fly again. Dreams shattered from life changing events I succumbed and hope disseminated into ashes. I felt as if I reached the finished line unfulfilled and without direction.
Where do I go from here, I prayed. Still, unanswered questions lingered and hopelessness covered the lens from which I viewed the future.
Alone. Deserted. Washed up upon the shores exhausted from fighting against the storms, struggling to make it through the night, struggling to hold on, I was simply swimming upstream against the currents. Currents that were pulling me under…
I’ve made it through years of abuse, and recovery from a marriage, which was a violent relationship. I remarried but after 15 years something inside me changed, changes that turned into divorce. I also survived a painful fight to save my son from his addictions – addictions to heroin, to a life on the streets. Until I finally learned to let go of something I couldn’t fix, a son I couldn’t save or the guilt I felt as his mother.
But parallel to this pain filled life, one that was threatening to break me forever was another side. One that was also life changing from lessons learned and LIGHT defining a path… if I would only follow.
I learned that when at my lowest to hold on to faith, and fervently pray with all my might.
I learned I had choices – to fight against, or to let go, and trust that in that moment God was within me. With each breath I took, God was holding me by the hand.
I learned fear is the greatest sin against LIFE, and LIGHT, and LOVE. And Love is the sweetest promise that heals the pain, and releases us from prison – the walls we perceive to be real.
It takes time to recover from trauma. And it takes strength and unknown courage to go through the dark night of the soul. But we must own our feelings and emotions and trust in a remarkable path that unfolds, if we are willing to take action.
Intuition and trusting our true (deep inner feelings) gives us courage during the winds of upheaval knowing… we must let go. Change is the nature of life. It is something we cannot control. There is a time when all we have is faith.
There is also the process and time of decay in our lives. It is what takes place for new growth to begin giving us a new way to live.
We have to let go of things, or people, or circumstances that prevent us from becoming who we really are.
I don’t know why the winds of change took me to places in which I faced unbelievable fear. Fear that lived deep inside me. Fear that imprisoned me…and fear that still lingers along side the new developing courage to move forward.
There is a “Vicki” inside each of us. At times, we feel victimized, a victim of our circumstances. We can choose to be her, the Vicki that feels safer in old, stagnant circumstances, or we can let go and let the winds of change lift us towards higher places and different shores. We may just find a more fulfilling life, a life unknown to us but one that is greater than our own vision.
Through all that happens to us, or against us, HOPE will resurface if we learn to breath deep, trust and reconnect to the Source of all living. Time will bring bright change from beautiful heartbreak. Through all of it… LIGHT will fill the spaces of our own inner darkness.
One step at a time.
Letting Go! How difficult is it to LET GO? Either of the trauma you have suffered, or relationships that are unhealthy, abusive, manipulative, selfish? We are part of this existence, on this planet, to learn lessons…not to keep repeating them. October is Abuse Awareness Month, but let’s also remember October is also about shedding the old. Flowers turn to seed. Leaves fall from trees, yellow, orange and dry. The season has changed in preparation for a winter, a time of solace. A reprieve – a time of reflection of our own purpose – and what it is that needs to change in our own lives.
The present is what matters. Make choices today that are important to your well being. Listen to your heart in rhythm with Mother Earth – listen to the song, what do you hear? What do you feel? Holding back, or remaining in situations that are unhealthy for you and do not allow you to grow bring more pain and more of the same until you are ready to LISTEN, take ACTION, and trust in the process of healing.
Most of all, remember as mothers of children you do not suffer alone. They suffer right along with you and the damage is at times irreparable! No one can imagine, unless they are in the mind of the child the trauma that is frozen. Often as adults they can’t access that part of their minds to let it go and honestly let go of all the other negative habits they have formed to avoid feeling that pain. This is why the cycle continues. So, in your own mind, let the words sink in, “freedom from pain.” Allow yourself to be free from whatever it is that is unhealthy and prevents you from becoming a Light Being.
All my love
My heart stops, for a moment, I am the woman and my child is screaming for help! NO MORE! This violence can’t continue. My story tells of the harm it does to children (and it is long term.) I still feel the pain. It is feels more distant, somewhat surreal but only because of years of healing, and also because, my heart won’t go there any more.
REMEMBER THE CHILDREN!
As a survivor of domestic violence my book details my journey. I’ve had mostly great comments but one had me thinking a lot about the openness of my experience. The reviewer had less sympathy for me but empathy for my children. I knew that detailing my experience, and the many years I spent living with such violence would provoke many different emotions, feelings and opinions (along with judgment.) That didn’t stop me from bearing my soul…but I realize how difficult it is for many people to understand the cycle. It begins in childhood and some children are more traumatized and at risk of dating and marrying abusive partners. No one can possibly imagine the difficulty in breaking free. I carried deep, emotional scars from childhood. Memories long forgotten but still embedded, which impacted my future. It was a compilation of child abuse, disappointment, rejection, damaged self esteem and then later on…guilt from experiences of date rape that resulted in pregnancy and abortion!
What may be difficult for some to understand is the mind that is programmed to believe in failure and accept pain as a passage one goes through to feel love.
I felt unworthy of respect, my boundaries were distorted and I was deeply trained in co-dependent behaviors.
Years later, after my divorce and the growing up of my children…I worked hard towards inner cleansing and healing, but several of my children were more damaged than the others. Their behavior influenced each sibling (five boys and one daughter.) And nothing compares to a mother’s grief, her guilt and regret, pain and difficulty in disengaging emotionally from the suffering of her children.
Stress and literal exhaustion from trying to save and fix and control negative behaviors made my recovery more difficult. After 15 years of enduring beatings, and living in poverty, I was broken long before I took the first step towards FREEDOM OF PAIN.
Today, I am still on the same journey, a path filled with many steps, challenges and unimaginable experiences. My heart has felt more pain than joy, more guilt than self-acceptance and all of this created a prison in which I lived – a life I created through fear, and inability to “let go.” I wanted to save each child and make their lives filled with love.
During the month of October I feel that it is equally important to raise the awareness of healing from pain. No matter what our hearts are feeling, what our challenges are, what we are experiencing…there is FREEDOM FROM PAIN. We can learn to forgive, grieve, let go, believe and hope. We can renew our hearts and bring peace and comfort to ourselves.
As parents, remember you are NOT just hurting each other! You are destroying innocent children. Their pain may be deeply embedded causing them to fall into a life of darkness.
Let’s STOP the cycle of abuse, with each of us taking action and responsibility!
I love my children, my darling grand children, but I am also a woman that deserves to live her own life, experience fulfillment, know her purpose and move forward. I’ve shed enough tears, now I am fiercely developing more strength and deeper love and insight.
Let us unite. Pray. Take action. Take part. Be aware. Understand what abuse is and what it does to destroy our lives.
October is also about…FREEDOM FROM PAIN.